Still Loving Idy...with All it’s Quirky little traits…And I Soooo 'preciate all The Fab Feedback & Support I have received re: my Very 1st Column Evah (Pg 7..this weeks paper..just in case ya haven't read it yet..hint..hint..:) )
However..ya gotta realize..no matter what..I have been a Big City Girl All My Life...'cept for those little Country Outings at those quaint New England Inn's..
Even did some Camping..in a Pup Tent ..Me..Yeah..Yellowstone..with A Big Bear Over my Very Little Tent...and me having to pee...suffice to say..I held it in..
I gotta tell you ‘bout my Buffalo University to Mexico City in a VW Bug..(yes..it was that reddish orange colah..what else would it be!?) In the Midst of a Mexico Summer..Camping All The Way..(same Pup Tent) You Are gonna Love this..I was almost taken hostage by a 80-90 year old shrunken little Mexican hombrero ..thinking the whole time I was getting a Donkey ride..Yeh..He wanted to give me ’a ride’ alright..he was taking me back To His Village..that’s what..as his new wife or some goddamn thing like that!!!
So..cut me a bit of slack here Okaayy..?? Cuz there are Definitely some things round here that take some getting used to when you Never, Ever lived in The Country…ya know what I mean.
And...BTW..I Really think it is time to create a Welcome To Idy Guide..geared towards us Citified People..I'd be happy to get it up & goin..okie dokie?
I mean..just The Basics here are Really Confusing…
Okay..It goes like this..In 'The City’..After you Finally Find an Apt you can afford…and they check you out up to the point of when you Finally got potty trained..all ya do is sign A lot of paperwork..Pay A lot of $$..they give you keys to your door and your mailbox…(OK..you Are The One responsible for putting in The $ other Dead Bolts, chains etc…)
And then Boom..You Movie in..it’s been painted..cleaned.. de-roached… ALL the appliances Are Already There… (yes..we opted to pay more for a Roach-Free New Fridge!) Of Course there is water, electricity, heat etc..one Does Not Even Think about that..it’s just a ‘given’..OK ..So You have to make like maybe 1 call re: your phone…Every month you get a few outrageous bills..max out your credit cards and all is well!
But Not In Idy… Here..Nothing is that simple..whatsoevah!
‘The Black Hole In Space..The Bermuda Triangle..or where all those socks and emails go..Free to Be Me..Partaayyy!!’
Here I am sitting around wondering..where the heck all my mail is for G_d’s sakes. I’ve been here Two Weeks Already….I know it takes a Little While once you do that whole addy change..but Two Weeks was pushing The Proverbial Envelope!
Especially since there were checks floating around some where out in The USPS Universe…!!
I mean..I knew PO Boxes were a big thang round here..well..I thought it was Just Another little quirky 'Living In The Country' Thang…
What I Did Not Know was that they were ‘De Riguer’..ie: Unless you have a PO Box...basically..You Do Not Exist..You Are Not Official..And..Most Importantly..
You Do Not Get Mail..It All Gets Returned!!
‘Cold Showers..are Not Just For Overly Hot Men!’
I am Right Now as I type this Blog..packing to move…& I Just found This little tidbit of info re: Where Does Hot Water Come From in Idyllwild Mommy'!? But Just a Tad too late to actually Do anything about it..
Thus I have come to the Dreadful Realization that I will be taking cold showers or having to do 18th century type whores baths for the entire weekend!
‘What A Dump’!
Oh..And..FYI…..as I am told by the owners of my Guest House..2 minutes before they are leaving for Three Months…’Oh..BTW…We do not have trash removal here..Bye..see you in 3 months!!
So then what..does it just Magically Recycle Itself into the Idywilld Mountains..or do some little men come take it away under cover of The Dark while I sleep!?
No f’in way!?
So..Unless you want a few Dozen Raccoons on your property..Tearing it all to shreds every nite..& running amuck all over your Roof…scaring the sheet outta me & my kitties... You had bettah sort This Situation out!!! ASAP!
Of course..I go into see my Fav Pharmacist..Barry-la..& the other really Patient & friendly gals he has working with him…Knowing they will Understand..and Not Just Roll their eyes..thinking.. 'Ugh..these City People..Clueless!'
And..what do I find out?! Yes..Me, Myself & I must take it to The Dump…Me! And I won’t Even tell you The Directions I was supposed to remember that got me To The Dump..cuz if I thought No One Ever gave you an address around here..You Can Be Sure…there was No Address For The Dump!!
Then..I am told..that The Dump is really a hot place ‘to shop’ and ‘meet people’..that is was sort of an Idy Social Event!!??
Now as it is..How To Dress In Idy is a definitive ‘Grey Area’ for me..especially cuz I am One Of Those Women who is into Shoes..Thus Hi Fashion around here..means anything I can wear without breaking my neck! My solution..Blue Suede Birkenstocks..Like in The Hippie Days..but Blue Suede at least..it mollified me somehow..
And for the rest of me..well..I figure since New Yawkers Only Wear Two Basic ‘colahs’…Black & White…I choose one of my All Black Ensembles..perfect for The Dump?! This way all the icky poo stuff I am in the midst off won’t ruin my whites!
‘C’mon Baby Light My Fire’
What about This whole lighting the fireplace thang…without ruining my french manicure or setting off all the smoke alarms…whether it be for warmth or romance..the damn thing takes More Stoking Than Me to keep it going!! 3-4 Firestarters Later..and a whole bunch of Whatevah Else Burnable I could find in the house… And the only warmth I got from it was from all the running around I had to do to keep the damn thing going!
That’s it for me tonight boys & girls..I got a lot of boxes..from The Dump..where else..to be packed..and The Dark to navigate my move in…We’ll Talk about my fear of The Boogie Man next time..K?
So have your people call mine and we’ll Windex a window on our Agendas and do Brunch OK??
The Jewess Goddess Ra