’I’ve Gone Country’ Folks’

Ok..Ok… Now it’s 9 PM Sat Nite the 12th..Yes..I Do Know that I AM Running A Tad Late!

I just realized tomorrow is The Anniversary of The Death of My Dear Friend & Most Incredibly Talented Hoodoo Voodoo Blues Man John Campbell…Had Lighting Hopkin’s 1930’s Guitar yet! Still miss him so…If you are into some serious Blues..check him out on Youtube…believe me..you will not be disappointed…

I will Try not to Babble on & finish this Darn ‘Piece’ Asap! Okaaayyy…It is a Must! I was told today..by ‘Someone in The Know’..one of my ‘Light worker’s’ …if you will…that ‘The Universe was Testing Me’..Again!? Whaaat!? I haven’t Passed Yet?! I did Night School..Extra– Curricular…All that ‘Bronx HS of Science’ shit…can’t they go ‘Test’ someone else Already!? Lol…Sometimes I feel Like My Life is that Radio Commercial..you know ‘The One’.. ‘This is A Test..This is Only A Test..This is A Test Of The National Broadcast System…..’Lol
Well…I guess it’s like I’m taking My Finals Now..’They’ Really Wanna make sure I got ‘IT’ This Time!! :)

Well..if ya wanna know Why I am Just finishing this at 9pm after Saying that I was at 3am..just think the Usual..’The Killing Fields’ Part 2-8…(but at least I got it figured out now…it’s the Leech whatevah Septic Thang…combined w/. A charming under the kitchen sink leak…it’s like Swamp Land in here!! Swarming..they are!) With Breaks only to do The Hokey Pokey Dance trying to fit all my Computer Pieces into this Massive 8ft x 8ft x 8ft computer Armoire..don’t ask…Ya put your right foot in you take your right foot out you put your left foot in and you shake it all about..And Just The Fact that I have been singing that Damn song for the last 3 hours is a Bad Indication that either I sniffed waaaay too many Insecticides and/or am Delirious..for lack of food & sleep or All of The Above!! I Definitely Look & Feel like ‘Road Kill on a Rollercoaster’ & Yes..I Love That phrase that I coined on My Trip..it is said w/ a Twang..and it is so very all purpose and fitting! I wouldn’t even ‘Do’ Me Now!! Oy Vey! Lol

Gee..it’s May 12…and freezing out..gotta love it up ‘On this Hill’..so ‘weird’ tho…actually have the f’in heat on! probably’ll snow! Lol but it’s bug free at least…for 1 nite! Peace!

Well they always say if you don’t where to start..just start at the beginning…I have a little saying…’Just jump on into to the Ocean of Emotion’..so here goes..Part One..of..’I’ve Gone Country’ Folks’! Omg..& Oy Vey!! Can even do that Idy Last Four # Thang now..like a real local! Still feels like somethang out of the Andy Griffith Show to this City Gal tho....& I somehow get this feelin’….that 1 morning…at 3 am ..that ol’ $2 landline phone I got at The Help Center..is gonna ring…& I am gonna hear either ‘Sarah The Operator’ or ‘Ernestine’ trying to get me a line to ‘Selma Jean’..’I Know This’…& ..’NO’..IT Has Nothing to do with any of my past ‘experimenting’ with ‘Dear Mr. Fantasy or Magic Mushrooms’ at any Grateful Dead Concerts either Okaayy…!! Lol
Note: We are up 5000 feet on ’a hill’..in the year 2010, Where it snows in May…& The Fog rolls in outta nowhere & envelopes you like surround sound …where people only get mail at PO boxes, only use the last 4 digits of their phone numbers, do not lock their doors, (car’s or houses!!!??), say Hi to their neighbors & actually know their name’s for god’s sakes!; and Today…I swear this happened..
I get a personal email from my Banker..(which, of course, at 1st freaked me out..all $$ affirmations & creative visualization videos aside…! :) I thought..Oh Vey..they weren’t working..I wasn’t One With $ $ …$$ didn’t love me for some unknown reason..Just Donald & other ugly men with no lips & bad hair (who can most definitely afford to fix them but who do not give a shit cuz they know they will get laid no matter! Lol) I thought…like any ‘City’ Person would who got an ‘Email from her Banker’ that ‘something ‘was wrong’! But no! It was an unexpected, incredible, beautific reply to an earlier e of mine…a support email…telling me ‘how I should take in all Idy’s love etc’ (I would really like to say who..but do not have her permission..so I can not..but major kudo’s to Compass Bank!! Thank you! ) can you f’in believe that!? And, Another thing I have noticed as of late… 99% of the ‘seniors’ native to Idy are in ‘Unusually’ good shape for their years…vibrant, beautiful skin, hair & nails…and this is kinda all adding up..isn’t it..umm..reminding me of ‘something’…a movie, play, book..& you?? :) Nothing? I Am Not aging myself here either....this is an Age Ol’ kinda Fairy Tale of sorts…& it just happens to be one of my favs..I was always one for the Mystical…Oh..Okaaayyy…
‘Shangri-la’ ..aka..’The Lost Horizon’ by James Hilton..
Remember?? It was a Village..Waaayyy up on a Mountain..that ‘outsider’s’ could see or enter (I think) every now & again) cuz it was usually covered by Fog..sound familiar…:) & Everyone there lived a lovely, blissful, ageless life…only catch was they could Never Leave! Always The Catch right! Lol but..who would want to really!?
I know.. for a fact.. it has been ‘adapted’ & made into a play, movies & docs etc…really fun stuff…
But I am definitely digressing here..I know it…ummm..now where was I??? Lol
I was hanging out 1 day at Karen & Ken’s marvy thrift store…Earth Angels ..1 day, not long after I 1st got here..& a new friend..Chris.. said to me…’It’s Idyllwild..Magic is in the air’..I just remembered that… I do believe that is true…:)

Somethang about this place…bugs…dirt and all aside..Oh..Yeah…That!
So I was gonna entitle this ‘Piece’ something like ‘The Killing Fields’.. part 2-8’ or ‘The DB’s Clueless Citified Guide to Insect Control’ ..I wasn’t sure..but I figure I’ll end up covering most of these topics by & by! 1 way or the other..perhaps a few subjects will fall under the reader’s digest/cliff notes versions..not sure yet!? So I am sorry..well..actually.. I am starting to Really Really like that NCIS’s guy’s quote ‘Never say you’re sorry..it’s a sign of weakness’..cuz I Know I say it way too often & it is So Not Evolved of me…so..ok..I am not sorry..cuz..In Actuality..This Piece has been ‘In Process for Over a Week..but because I am Such A Perfectionist..as well at new at being a Columnist &/or Blogger…I never Know when it is Good Enough ..Long Enough..’Finished’…so I have Not Submitted It..and I do not have that kinda support system that most creative people have or should have in their lives that kinda nudge them along in these ways…I mean..I do..kind of..but most of them are LD…or I have To Reach Out & Touch Someone…& then I feel Needy &/or Vulnerable ..neither of which are my forte’s..or I get Babbly..like I am now…and go off The Subject TOTALLY!! LOL

(and..PS..I shouldn’t say that I have No local support system..Not True!! Lady Di has had Pneumonia for the last 3 weeks…thus I am going through withdrawal’s from her ‘spoiling me’..it happens when you are told 24/7 that ‘You are talent personified’..’Have talent oozing from your fingertips’ ‘should have been famous years ago’ etc…Thanks Di..glad we found each other..and JP was my Founding Father… Marshall my ‘Adopted Tribal Bro’..:) E’ing & calling me at all hours with their support and help and love & ‘breathing techniques’…:) …(am I supposed to ask permission 1st JP before I ‘out’ you as being not the ‘Judge & Jury’ you like to come off being?! Lol).. The Pharmacy Gang..Barry-la & The Girls for being my 1st and biggest fans…and Barry for letting me ‘out him’, supporting me to all the Dr. Diamond Nose Job Jews in Idyllwild who are apparently ashamed of their heritage and who even brings my ‘pearls’ to his folks to read every week cuz they love me too! …Mel Goldfarb when he subbed for ‘Barry-la’ for letting me know that ‘I didn’t have to introduce myself’ cuz ‘he knew all about me…The Rotary Club had read my column out loud’ he said… ‘& everyone loved me..they were all laughing and applauding’!.! :) Can You Imagine That!! Lol
‘Gino’ when I stopped in the road to ask him if he needed help and he laughed and said ‘No’..but aren’t you The One who wrote that hilarious article the other week in The Paper… I met you at Karen’s thrift shop going crazy with that Chris girl!? Rachelle right?’ ‘That’ is all the ‘Idyllwild Love’ that my Banker was talking about ..and I guess That is what I have to remember when I sit down to write to y’all …just like now…:) I gotta admit..it is 4 am…I am smiling…And..Finally Putting The Finishing Touches on this Darn Piece (now if I could get this Program to Truly Edit DB Style..That Would be Somethang! LOL)

This is week’s entry a long time coming But I personally feel all good thing’s are worth the wait..especially Me! Lol…’Anticipaaation is making me crazy’…well..You..and doesn’t that feel kinda nice in a way?? :) like that 1st Date you were waiting all week for?? :)

So…Fellow Country Men..lend me your ear..or rather whatever kinda pest control system or garbage pick.up you got goin’ down Ok! After my 1st week’s of ‘Discovery Channel’ -like Experience’s living ‘In The Country’ or as you like to call it ‘on the hill’.. or as I now like to call it.. ‘On The Ant Hill’.. I now know about every kinda Ant, Moth, Spider, Gnat (as 1 tries to enter my nose orifice..Very Nice…Lol)
That exist up here; Why they do, What they do, If they bite, What Supposedly deters/kills them (au natural or straight out poison) If They can kill You and How Bad that could go down.. & of course…What to do if that should occur…especially since…and this is One Very Bad Thing about Idy…unless You Are Very Very Rich…There Are NO Hospitals Up Here Or in The Nearby Vicinity At All..Not A Good Thing At All..I would think Especially In The Winter…Which…Honestly Folks..when ya think about it..would be a Very Very Good Time to Move ‘Down The Hill’ …:) come to think of it..what exactly should 1 have in an Idy 1st aid kit…another Google It…Ya know I am an Info Slut/Warrior..admittedly I Google Everything..’Knowledge Is Power’..1 of the Motto’s I live by…I even Googled ‘How To Pour Hot Wax On Your Lover’ ..Yup..at 2am…AND..Yes..it Came Up…First Thang on The Google Search..’Erotic Hot Wax’…which…is ..I thought at 1st ..a Very Cool Thang…& It Is..& I Would …on The Whole..much rather be Googling how to correctly pour hot wax a SO whose hairiness leaned towards ‘Missing Link ’ proportion’s…(plus I had just given him a Heart Attack a year earlier..so I did not want to push the Universal Proverbial Envelope..if ya know what I mean..on Any Level...by even Singing 1 Single Hair on His Bod! !)

However…on 2nd thought..& ya gotta do a ‘What’?! Head snap on that 1! Not even Page 2 or 3…1st one up?! & then of course you wonder..Slave & Master..Dameon ‘The Return Email Sender’, Fatal Error, The Blue Screen Of Death…Steve & Billy Boy’s??
Who The Heck are these guys anyway And What On Earth DO They Do in Their Spare time!? Truly..I don’t care How much $$ they have..I’m not sure I’d wanna go to Any of their ‘Invite Only’ parties..ya know..with All their Hi Tech knowledge…Scarey…Like A New Millennium James Bond Scenario..You’re In…The Whole Place Shut’s Down…And then..Dot Dot Dot…Yeah..All my friend’s say ‘I Have A Vivid Imagination’..Lol
But..I Do Not Think this is Far Fetched At All! Look At ‘Psych’ and All the other movies/characters like that..the ‘quiet, meek, geeky’ ones ..Always!!!!

However…What I do not know is Why Why oh Why They are all in my house and Will not go away!! Oh look a scorpion what!!! Ooi-38-4307&(^%$&#@() c7 oops sorry I freaked!!
or I think I do until just as I am writing this something that looks like a sea like scorpion really appears out of nowhere now please realize it is 1,2 or 3am?? and I am really really over the over the top beyond my limit especially when I found out..just like roaches..y.e.s..they love to nest in warm electronic places..super! I cannot take it anymore and am determined to take control of a sitch I googled to death and now feel I think I can handle?! I can no longer live in what feels like the ‘killing fields’ pt 2-6 and I am one of the bad guys in ‘Schindler’s list’…I just cannot! And what really put me over the top today was not the fact that I realized my house was completely littered everywhere…tabletops,..sinks…my bed..the entire floor…their death pools..with carcasses..and that was probably why my cats were puking rather regularly these days vs the usual 1-2x a month cuz they thought helping mommy was fun and that they got to eat they prize after was their reward! Well,,better than the vet bills I guess…?? And really I am not the killer type..I am more the ‘ free to be you or me’..when the occasional errant bug lost it’s way…(except those horrid roaches…no..they deserved to die…long torturous deaths…) I would make sure I got them out of the house peacefully..even if it was one of those normal friendly bees..not one of the mutant killer crazed 1’s from Africa or somewhere..how on earth did they make their way here anyway? With all this illegal immigration shit??? So I would like just open a window for them ..but here..not! it is totally different..here they do not get the limits boundaries thang at all …no respect.. Nothing! ..mi casa, su casa..they swarm by my door..no lites on even! I open it for a sec to get in/out after dusk…20 come bombarding in! Really..it is like one of those ‘mummy’ movie’s!! I have tried the insence thing..sprays..(I also end up getting these pretty little green and blue one’s by accident.. vs these ugly big mosquitos or grey moth’s..and it’s really upsets me!) I feel like every time I go out I have to bring a citronella torch and a machete like in an Indiana Jones movie!

So after a few sickening morns..nothing like the smell of death in the morn before you can wash down your Meds w/ some Cappuccino + then forgetting to put my slippers on so I am crunching on these little carcasses everywhere I walk…oy vey…I googled my Jewish toosh off…and found a combo stuff that almost all the creepy crawlers do not like..moths I am not sure..I think w/ them I am gonna have to get all voodoo hoodoo and start burning camphor balls and spreading bleach outside my door and maybe sacrificing some chickens ala Mickey Rourke and Lisa Bonet in that crazy weird occult-ish flick they both did when they were both hot,…she still is..he was beyond hot then..and now…scarey..the Lion Woman pt 2! Why Mickey why…Anyway..this movie is about it being time for him to give up the soul he had sold years ago to ‘The Man’ but what the f was his connect to her./..??
anyway..I digress…for a change...:)

Here is what I found out…

(other than I my Vag is that of a 20 yr old..which is some of the best news I have had in a while…about my bod anyway…that was at the Idy Health Clinic..probably one the best anything’s ending in the word ‘clinic’ I have ever been to and Brenda is wonderful…’course she thinks I am too and laughs at all my joke’s..so we are a perfect match!
When I arrived there for My Gyn..and she told me ‘to strip’..I said..’No need..check it out..and I showed her what I had on beneath my new tight-fitting jeans…(I was wearing this ensemble to show her and the world at large how much weight I had lost since arriving in Idy!)
My Black V Neck..worth every cent…snap open crotch and pop it in dual purpose Lycra Body Suit…Good For Gyn Visit’s And/Or 2-3rd Dates (after a Very Nice Dinner & drinks of course!! Lol) Yeh..that went over big!
Anyway..when she told me that..I asked her for a ‘letter of reference’ or something… or is she could repeat that on tape..cuz what a knockout ref along w/ the fact that I give men heart attack’s during sex..I mean ‘need I say more’..other than ‘I can make a Harley cum from across the street’ just a little add on!)

Umm..where was I again…’Tangenting’..look it up..maybe not in the Dict yet..but ‘in use’..k’…?

So what the creepy crawly varieties really don’t like are oils of: (or what I decided to use that I had in the house from the list of most hated:)
Tea tree**, clove, lemon & lime, oregano & garlic…mixed w/ H20 in a spray bottle set on Direct Squirt!!
They apparently also do not like cucumber peels & chalk…however..after trying both for a day I got sick of my house looking like an episode from NCIS & smelling like a Compost Heap…so we erased those idea’s from our coloring book..etched a sketched them right out!
So far so good..the 1 very large ick scorpion type whatever down and a spider.. I am thinking perfect to wash down the floor with.. f the smell if ya don’t like it…we’ll just burn the de rigor insence as well..which kinda helps a bit with the gnats, moths, mosquitos & my newer kittie’s really pungent poops! Lol

oh..that whole thang about certain sounds and moths ..hi screeching sounds…righty oh! Lol..my fire alarm decided ..in the midst of everything..to ‘die’ and so did all the moths!! Just starting dropping from the sky!! luckily…I calmed down… before I ended up killing the fire alarm…since that was the mode I was in..!! Kill…kill…killl….Lol…it had a battery..I just kinda didn’t notice till it was hanging 1/2 outta the ceiling ..well the noise was enough to kill the moths ..scare my kittie’s so that I could not find them for the rest of the nite..in a studio apt!! ..so you can imagine what it was doing to my frayed, bugged out nerves...at 3 am! And.. I have had experience with a few of those battery free alarms...that somehow have ‘lives of their own’…still cluelless about that?? and w/ all their wires undone..ripped our…cut.. severed.. Like these headless corpse’s..they just go on with their hi pitched beeping..I swear..we once had to take one down to the ocean..w/ a hammer…and smash it to bits and drown it! ( it would not stop..but..I do admit..we were a little stoned at the time..so maybe we were having just a tad too much fun w/ all the drama..just maybe…:) )
TO POST..
ENJOY!! BRUNCH KISSES BITES MWAH!
THE DB ‘GIRL FROM THE COUNTRY’…RACHELLE

2 DB’s to end with..

1– "Dance like nobody's watching; Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; Live like it's heaven on earth."
– Mark Twain
Who woulda thought this New Age-ism was originally Penned by Mark Twain!! I was gonna include it in a birthday card & possibly make a bit of fun of it..but I wanted to google it 1st being the info slut/warrior that I am…and guess what I found!? Well..now it’s going on my wall..the un bastardized version!
2– a Jackie Mason classic that I actually found at the beginning of a New Age Creative Visualization Vid..I wonder if he knows this!?
‘Money is Not the most important thing in the world.
Love is.
Fortunately…I Love Money.’
& I love that guy! :)